So it turns out my life and the plot of the Matrix trilogy have pretty much the same theme. It’s a constant loop. I’m aware it’s happening. They’re aware it’s happening. And you almost can’t do anything about it. That part I haven’t quite worked out yet.

I’m on day nine. Today I did something I’ve never really done before. I went back and actually read these articles. My findings have not been the greatest. They revealed what I probably knew intuitively, but seeing it in 3D Technicolour, in VR, augmented reality, Oculus 360, has really hit home. As I wrote in my last article, I’ve been leaning on it a lot harder lately, with the kids, the mortgage and all that kind of stuff.

IT GIVETH AND IT TAKETH

Here’s the problem with weed. When you’re on it, it takes the edge off everything. It gives you clarity. Then it leaves you paralysed. It giveth and it taketh. I’m out in the ocean, and I need to keep paddling to get to the island. That’s exactly what it taketh: the power to do anything about it.

People who’ve never smoked don’t get this. When I’m on it, the noise in my head goes quiet. The anxiety sits down. I can think. Properly think. It’s like a telescope. I can see the wood from the trees. I can see straight through my own bullshit. For someone who loves to strategise and plan, it has always been an incredible tool. Some of my best thinking has been done high. Sight beyond sight. The wisdom of the gods. The treasure map to the forsaken island where all the gold sits. And at the same time it blew out your tyres, and every other tyre in the world while it was at it. You’ve got the world’s wisdom and you can’t do a thing with it, which is the most frustrating thing of all.

THE SMALL PRINT

It’s the evil three wishes from the horror films. You ask for clarity and it gives you clarity. You just didn’t read the small print. And the small print is written very clearly, because you’ve got clarity:

Clarity only. Execution sold separately. Not available in your region.

You get the plan of all plans, and you can’t do a single thing with it.

THE ONCE A MONTH MYTH

Over the years I’ve talked about the dream setup. Get high off your face once a month. Do the mad writing, the big planning, the crazy ideas. Then put it away and live like a functioning adult for the other twenty nine days, harvesting the genius. I believe people like that exist. I believe it the same way I believe in people who open a family bag of crisps, have a handful, and put the clip back on. I’ve heard of them. I’ve never met one in the mirror. I’ve never found that balance. What I have found is plenty of times where I was just stuck with it.

This blog is my dumping ground. Wherever I am, it ends up here. I’ve always wanted to tell it in a way that’s a laugh, but every one of these posts has something serious sitting under the jokes. Reading back through them this week was like being given a guided tour of a museum of me.

On your left, October 2011. Fifty days clean. Please note the exhibit feeling on top of the world. Please also note the exhibit, one week later, treating himself. Do not touch the exhibit. He’s quite fragile.

July 2014. Seven days. Up at seven, seeing daylight, feeling like the man I always wanted to be, and in the same post betting that the next high was going to be incredible. February 2015, the big cold turkey. March 2015, welcome back to Cell Block H. June 2015, eight days. Then late 2016, two months and six days, my personal record. Brain back, numbers not blurry, and still honest enough to admit I missed it. Then quiet. Then smoking again. Then this.

It’s like going round the M25. Same junctions, same traffic, same services with the same overpriced sandwich. Every time I pass the exit I think, next time.

THE COCKY BIT

The pattern is always the same. I get a few good days. I sleep. I dream again. The food calms down. I start to feel like I’ve got a say in my own life, because when I’m smoking I genuinely don’t. And the moment I feel strong, I get cocky. I’m fine now, I’ve got this, one won’t hurt, I’ve earned it. The one is beautiful, because I’ve been off it, and that beauty walks me straight back in. Nine days in is exactly where I usually start talking like that. So I’m writing it down now, while I can still recognise the voice.

Back in the day I smoked it with tobacco, and that’s a big factor. Tobacco is properly addictive, physically. Last year I wrote a whole post deciding the nicotine had been the bastard all along. Now I don’t touch tobacco. I smoke it pure, or with herbal tobacco, or I vape. Herbal tobacco is just marshmallow leaf. And yet here I am.

LET’S FIX IT

I want to do something about this. I want to actually resolve this shit, not write another brilliant plan and leave it in the notes app. Going down memory lane has been fascinating, and also quite distressing. There have been such long gaps between these articles, and reading them back to back, I can see that I’ve never really had the answer. I love what it gives and I hate what it takes. It’s my drug of choice. That hasn’t changed.

For now, I’m just going to keep going. The clarity and discipline I’ve got right now are real. My weight is going in the right direction, and a lot of other things are moving the right way too. I have to follow that.

That said, the verdict is still open, and I’m not going to pretend it isn’t. As sad as this is, I’m as confused as I was the very first time I went through this loop. I’m as confused as I was on day one, which is pathetic to even admit. But truthfully, I don’t know the answer. In the past I’ve talked about whether, once you’ve been an addict, you can ever go back. I still don’t know.

There have been periods where I wasn’t too bad, and those periods confuse me. Maybe the circumstances were kinder then. Some things were definitely in my favour.

What I do know is this. While there’s a storm outside and trouble ahead, drifting off into weed dreamland is possibly the biggest threat to me right now. Based on that, I probably need to walk away.

I try to keep these posts funny. But there’s a much more serious issue underneath, and I’m not going to joke my way past it this time.