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So I Think I Need Some Pain

So sure, life is scary, pain is painful and generally da shit is real. So let’s start small and work up. When you have a headache you take paracetamol. Pretty normal, right? Your head hurts, the tablet takes the hurt away, the headache passes and you get on with your day. How is that a bad thing? It ain’t! We all agree (I think).

Ok, so this is where I get slightly lost. If you’re in pain a lot, I think it’s fair you regularly take something for the pain. Obviously. Still fine?! Cos how is pain ever a good thing?

But here’s the thing, pain can be a message. And it’s been sending me messages my whole life, long before I ever smoked a fatty!!

THE PAIN DID ALL THE EXPLAINING.

a boy yanking his hand off a hot radiatorYou learn it as a kid. You touch the radiator and it’s boiling. OUCH!! You put your hand near the fire. OUCH!! Hmmm, don’t think I wanna do that again?!? You get a stomach ache so bad you’re curled up on the floor, and you’re thinking FUCK THIS SHIT!?! I ain’t eating that again, or that much again!!! The pain pretty much did all the explaining.

Sure, there’s nothing wrong with taking the edge off for one evening, i.e. a bullshit day… chillout time… have a smoke, a bit of quiet, then sleep!! BLISSS.

ONCE YOU’RE THROUGH THAT DOOR, EVERYTHING’S MUFFLED.

a man stepping through a door into a room full of pillowsThe problem is how easy it is to go from taking the edge off an evening to burying your head deep in the sand. Problems get big and start to pile up. Some days they are genuinely overwhelming, and a smoke is the easiest door out of that shit. Once you’re through that door you can’t see what the actual problem is anymore, with everything being muffled. You can’t tell the real issue from the noise. You soon can’t see the wood for the trees.

THERE’S A FIRE IN YOUR BELLY.

a man in a boxing ring facing a smug sofaSo yeah, I guess what I’m saying is, I need some MOTHERFUCKING PAIN!! I do. It’s just like when you’ve had your ass handed to you in sports/computer games etc. ASS WHOOPED, humiliated!! It does hurt, and that hurt makes you train that lil bit harder than you normally would have done… and then at last it comes round again for the rematch!!! And there’s a fire in your belly, cos you’re going to beat the absolute daylights out of that MF!!! That pain, that humiliation, is what you take into the rematch, and I feel that’s what the weed takes off me generally in life.

DUBAGE IN THE TANK

a man in a kitchen holding a huge mug under a nearly empty batteryPlus when you’ve been high off your ballz, the classic tropes of being slow, sluggish and dosed up, we all know are true! I know there are those who’ll fight you to the death that being high is them at their best!!! Mate, if that works for you, that’s cool. But me personally, I wake up in a fog, I need loads of coffee just to get going, I drag myself through the day, then the evening comes round and I smoke again. Rinse and repeat. The whole time I’m running at about twenty percent battery on average and calling it normal.

NAH.

For a long time I had it under control. I remember my standard 9 to 5 days (pre vape), many nights I’d be like “it’s fucking cold outside” and I wouldn’t smoke, cos it was fucking cold outside!!

HEAD IN THE SAND

a man with his head buried in a pile of sandHowever this year, I’m gonna say it, I’ve just spent a year burying my head emotionally and smoking like all the bitches and bastards out there… and then on many an evening standing there wondering why nothing had changed?

I think people can do more and be more than they let themselves. Sure, some people aren’t fighters, or don’t feel like fighters right now. And I get it, some people (including me and probably most of the population) are just scared, and the fear swallows them, and they haven’t got it in them to stand up. If that’s you, I feel you, cos that’s me too! This shit is petrifying. You dip your toe in the water and it burns like a motherfucka!

SOBER SINCE 9:23AM THURSDAY? 22 HOURS AND 12MIN AND COUNTING!

a man staring at a stopwatch in a room of tally marksOk, I’m taking the piss. You know the type. The ones who can tell you how long they’ve been off it down to the minute. And a good friend of mine has a very interesting theory that if you’re counting, you haven’t put it down. You’re waiting. The count is the wait till my precious.

Fortunately I haven’t really been counting. The only reason I know the number (Day 13) is because of this blog. I genuinely had to look it up to work it out for this journal article.

Not counting doesn’t mean not wanting, though. I do want it. Not because I think I’m a lost cause. I don’t. I want it because the pressure is on. Money is tight. There’s a lot going on. A smoke wouldn’t make any of that go away. It would all still be there. It just wouldn’t land the same. That’s the release I’m after.

That’d be true. I think cold turkey is the solution for me right now, and I think I need to feel the pain, as I need every bit of energy I can get right now!

The pain isn’t a great feeling. It really isn’t. And whilst I really do look forward to sitting back and rolling up a fatty / doing my usual chill out regime, one thing I can say with certainty: the first couple of days were rough, but after that it’s been pretty good – I can’t lie and there’s been more progress in this period than in a longgg time before that.

Here We Are Again (Again)

the same man on the same sofa, repeated into the distance

So it turns out my life and the plot of the Matrix trilogy have pretty much the same theme. It’s a constant loop. I’m aware it’s happening. They’re aware it’s happening. And you almost can’t do anything about it. That part I haven’t quite worked out yet.

I’m on day nine. Today I did something I’ve never really done before. I went back and actually read these articles. My findings have not been the greatest. They revealed what I probably knew intuitively, but seeing it in 3D Technicolour, in VR, augmented reality, Oculus 360, has really hit home. As I wrote in my last article, I’ve been leaning on it a lot harder lately, with the kids, the mortgage and all that kind of stuff.

IT GIVETH AND IT TAKETH

Here’s the problem with weed. When you’re on it, it takes the edge off everything. It gives you clarity. Then it leaves you paralysed. It giveth and it taketh. I’m out in the ocean, and I need to keep paddling to get to the island. That’s exactly what it taketh: the power to do anything about it.

a treasure map on a car bonnet outside a tyre shop that has sold out

THE TELESCOPE

People who’ve never smoked don’t get this. When I’m on it, the noise in my head goes quiet. The anxiety sits down. I can think. Properly think. It’s like a telescope. I can see the wood from the trees. I can see straight through my own bullshit. For someone who loves to strategise and plan, it has always been an incredible tool. Some of my best thinking has been done high. Sight beyond sight. The wisdom of the gods. The treasure map to the forsaken island where all the gold sits. And at the same time it blew out your tyres, and every other tyre in the world while it was at it. You’ve got the world’s wisdom and you can’t do a thing with it, which is the most frustrating thing of all.

THE SMALL PRINT

It’s the evil three wishes from the horror films. You ask for clarity and it gives you clarity. You just didn’t read the small print. And the small print is written very clearly, because you’ve got clarity:

Clarity only. Execution sold separately. Not available in your region.

You get the plan of all plans, and you can’t do a single thing with it.

THE ONCE A MONTH MYTH

Over the years I’ve talked about the dream setup. Get high off your face once a month. Do the mad writing, the big planning, the crazy ideas. Then put it away and live like a functioning adult for the other twenty nine days, harvesting the genius. I believe people like that exist. I believe it the same way I believe in people who open a family bag of crisps, have a handful, and put the clip back on. I’ve heard of them. I’ve never met one in the mirror. I’ve never found that balance. What I have found is plenty of times where I was just stuck with it.

a museum tour of the same man on the same sofa, labelled 2011, 2014, 2015 and 2016

THE MUSEUM OF ME

This blog is my dumping ground. Wherever I am, it ends up here. I’ve always wanted to tell it in a way that’s a laugh, but every one of these posts has something serious sitting under the jokes. Reading back through them this week was like being given a guided tour of a museum of me.

On your left, October 2011. Fifty days clean. Please note the exhibit feeling on top of the world. Please also note the exhibit, one week later, treating himself. Do not touch the exhibit. He’s quite fragile.

July 2014. Seven days. Up at seven, seeing daylight, feeling like the man I always wanted to be, and in the same post betting that the next high was going to be incredible. February 2015, the big cold turkey. March 2015, welcome back to Cell Block H. June 2015, eight days. Then late 2016, two months and six days, my personal record. Brain back, numbers not blurry, and still honest enough to admit I missed it. Then quiet. Then smoking again. Then this.

It’s like going round the M25. Same junctions, same traffic, same services with the same overpriced sandwich. Every time I pass the exit I think, next time.

THE COCKY BIT

The pattern is always the same. I get a few good days. I sleep. I dream again. The food calms down. I start to feel like I’ve got a say in my own life, because when I’m smoking I genuinely don’t. And the moment I feel strong, I get cocky. I’m fine now, I’ve got this, one won’t hurt, I’ve earned it. The one is beautiful, because I’ve been off it, and that beauty walks me straight back in. Nine days in is exactly where I usually start talking like that. So I’m writing it down now, while I can still recognise the voice.

a cigarette, a vape and a packet of marshmallows in a police lineup

I CAN’T EVEN BLAME THE TOBACCO

Back in the day I smoked it with tobacco, and that’s a big factor. Tobacco is properly addictive, physically. Last year I wrote a whole post deciding the nicotine had been the bastard all along. Now I don’t touch tobacco. I smoke it pure, or with herbal tobacco, or I vape. Herbal tobacco is just marshmallow leaf. And yet here I am.

LET’S FIX IT

I want to do something about this. I want to actually resolve this shit, not write another brilliant plan and leave it in the notes app. Going down memory lane has been fascinating, and also quite distressing. There have been such long gaps between these articles, and reading them back to back, I can see that I’ve never really had the answer. I love what it gives and I hate what it takes. It’s my drug of choice. That hasn’t changed.

For now, I’m just going to keep going. The clarity and discipline I’ve got right now are real. My weight is going in the right direction, and a lot of other things are moving the right way too. I have to follow that.

That said, the verdict is still open, and I’m not going to pretend it isn’t. As sad as this is, I’m as confused as I was the very first time I went through this loop. I’m as confused as I was on day one, which is pathetic to even admit. But truthfully, I don’t know the answer. In the past I’ve talked about whether, once you’ve been an addict, you can ever go back. I still don’t know.

There have been periods where I wasn’t too bad, and those periods confuse me. Maybe the circumstances were kinder then. Some things were definitely in my favour.

What I do know is this. While there’s a storm outside and trouble ahead, drifting off into weed dreamland is possibly the biggest threat to me right now. Based on that, I probably need to walk away.

I try to keep these posts funny. But there’s a much more serious issue underneath, and I’m not going to joke my way past it this time.

Day Eight. I Took a Weed Amnesty.

After almost ten years, I somehow found myself right back where I began. I guess this is why this blog exists, and why it continues to have a life.

Two kids and a mortgage. Twelve months post redundancy. Not much money coming in. Let’s be honest, bugger all coming in.

vapes piled through a living room

THE VAPE

I’ve been smoking like a bitch. I don’t know exactly how much a bitch is in grams, but it’s a lot. And the vape made it a thousand times worse, because the vape is just around the fucking corner. There is more effort in taking a shit than there is in pulling it out and having a few tokes. That’s the problem.

The real problem is that vaping doesn’t feel like you’ve done anything. It feels like you’ve just had a mild cigarette.

a coffeeshop menu with human remains at the top

THAT’S HOW BAD IT GOT

Then you have to realise the THC in your blood is probably sitting around 98%. If they cremated you, you could crumble the ashes and they would fetch a decent price. Up there with the delta nines and all those California items, in a high end coffee shop. That’s how much THC I had in me. That’s how bad it got.

I’ll tell you where it tipped. I found myself picking up a joint I hadn’t finished the night before. Two in the afternoon. Kids at school. No harm. Just firing one up. Alone. For the first time in my life I was pretty much high during the day, smoking like a bitch. (Apologies to all bitches out there, if I’m giving you a bad name. This is only the start.)

THE ROUTINE

I was just fucking exhausted all the damn time.

Kids in bed at seven or eight. Then I’d be getting high pretty much till about 1 at night, smoking like a bastard. (Apologies to all bastards out there. The bitches have had their turn. Now I’m giving you a bad name as well.) Then eventually going to bed at about half one. A lot of it was me just getting high and higher, chasing highs. Wake up exhausted. A shit ton of coffee just to do basic arithmetic, because I was fucked.

a buffet running off to a point in the distance

THE BUFFET

What is the fucking point? Getting high, and eating, in ways I cannot even explain. Feasts. Unlimited buffet quantities, in the early hours. I would put the most well stacked Chinese buffet to shame. God damn, that’s a lot of food, and I was getting through it.

a supermarket trolley buried under food

SAINSBURY’S WON

On top of it all, I was on Mounjaro (similar to the more famous Ozempic jab). I was also trying to lose weight. Some could argue the lifestyle needed a revision, because that level of getting high wasn’t exactly working for me.

The only winner was Sainsbury’s. So much food. Depression eating, really. Hard times, small children, everything else on top. Easy to fall into. I’m not gonna be hard on myself. Even now I sympathise. I was worried, and this is what I reached for.

THE LOOP

Myself and Claude had a chat. Or was it Grok? I can’t remember. The AIs know not to mention the weed. I’ve shouted at them before. They avoid the subject, agree with me, and look at the other places where the buildings are falling down. Except there.

It is a loop. That much THC and your REM sleep is radically reduced, so you genuinely wake up tired. Insane amounts of coffee just to feel normal. Rinse and repeat. Coffee to get up, something else to get to sleep, and with the THC you are not actually sleeping. I’m not a doctor. This is just my experience. It got silly. What the fuck is going on.

My partner started to notice the dosage going up, which is the understatement of the fucking century. I am not surprised the local fire brigade never came round, what with the piles of smoke in the sky. Yes. I was smoking like a bitch and a bastard. (Apologies to all bitches and all bastards. Both of you, together. I have run out of groups and started doubling up. Definitely giving you a bad name.)

STRONGER STUFF

Months of this, and it had gone from worse to bad. Every time I bought weed I wanted it stronger. Different bud. Knock out stuff. Just stronger.

Your brain will justify all of it. Hilarious, really. The honest version is shorter. You are on a bad one. Easier said than done.

The odd evening I passed out and didn’t smoke myself off my balls, it barely mattered. There was already enough THC in me.

THE AMNESTY

Enough was enough. I have taken a weed amnesty.

DAY EIGHT

I’m on day eight or nine of this amnesty. I feel fresh. More energy. More sleep. No weird aches and pains in the morning. I’m actually a lot more intelligent. And yes. I’m dreaming.

You forget your dreams. That’s normal, even when you’re clean. Off it for a while, though, a real one lands and you remember it. I’m loving that.

I forgot how good it feels to be clean. If someone told me this was another drug, I wouldn’t believe them. Now I am clean, and I do feel fucking EXCELLENT.

a phone shouting I dream all the time

HE DREAMS ALL THE TIME

Day one. Day two. The old tropes turned up on time. On day two or three I was talking to a mate, my smoking buddy, a regular smoker like me. I was only sharing what Claude had said. Regular THC interrupts your REM, so you don’t really dream. He furiously said, “What are you talking about? I dream all the time. I dream all the time. You’re talking rubbish. I have loads of dreams.”

I think I may have touched a sensitive topic. I wasn’t preaching. Or I didn’t think I was. I was just telling him what had happened to me.

FULL CIRCLE

The memory came back with it. REM is where the short term stuff gets moved into long term memory, and heavy THC disturbs that. Apparently. According to the research. What I know is the brain fog has lifted. I can remember things. There is a difference.

And I remembered this blog. How I Quit Weed. God, I’ve been here before. Clean, after being a stoned ass motherfucker. (Apologies to all motherfuckers. We started with bitches, moved on to bastards, and now we have reached you. Keep fucking. Try to find someone other than your mother to fuck, because unless that’s your thing, I’m not judging.)

I started reading the old articles. Oh my god. It’s all here. Full circle. I’m glad I kept them. When this thing went up I actually put effort in. SEO, comments, a community, back when blogs were a thing. It got traction. It was pretty fucking good. Then it stopped being 2012, and nobody gave a fuck about blogs anymore. Including me.

GOOGLE DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK

Google certainly won’t help them find it. Type in howiquitweed.com and it points you at the most irrelevant thing. I’m not even on page 100. Google hates this blog. Maybe because it’s cannabis. Type the address in directly and it still does not give two fucks. No traffic. None.

But less about my search engine optimisation.

a message in a bottle

WORDS IN A BOTTLE

Now I write here to throw the words in a bottle. Out into the world, so OpenAI, Anthropic, and the likes can train their models on my musings. I doubt a real human reads this. I don’t care. Fair play to whoever does.

This has been good to say out loud. I might write more along the road, during this amnesty, because why the fuck not?

It Was That Bastard All Along!!

So here we are. After all these years. After blog posts, relapses, self discoveries, breakdowns, rituals, and a thousand conversations with myself, we’ve finally arrived. And now I’m about to ruin the entire blog.

The whole premise. The whole quest. The hours and hours I’ve spent philosophising about the deeper meaning of quitting weed. All the existential questions. All the internal monologues. Because my eureka moment, the thing I’ve uncovered after this long and noble journey of introspection, is probably the most obvious thing ever discovered.

It was the tobacco.
That bastard.
All along.

Let me dress it up in as much ridiculousness as I can, to soften the blow of how spectacularly obvious it is. We’re not talking Indiana Jones cracking ancient riddles here. More like a bloke who just figured out water is wet.

The year was 2018. The place, Amsterdam. Of course it was.

I stroll into a coffeeshop, ready to do what one does in a coffeeshop, and I see something that stops me. No tobacco. Weed is fine. Joints? Sure. But actual tobacco? Forbidden. As if someone had walked into a pub and announced, no glasses allowed. Drink straight from the tap.

Weird, but whatever. I’m adaptable. On each table, there’s a pot. A weird little pot of something green. Not weed, not baccy. Something different. Turns out it’s herbal tobacco. Essentially dried grass dressed as a nicotine replacement. Looked a bit like weed itself, which confused my fingers for a second. It was free. That was all the reason I needed.

So I used it. Rolled it. Smoked it. And you know what? I quite enjoyed it. No nicotine. No sketchy vending machines. No wandering the streets stoned trying to buy baccy from a man named Erik with a vending code and a cold stare. Just me, a joint, and a weirdly pleasant absence of inner compulsion.

BACK IN ENDZ

Came back to the UK, and though I had dube in my drawer, plenty of it, ready to go, I just couldn’t be bothered. Couldn’t be bothered to get high. And that’s when I thought, where the hell had Smeagol gone?

This is the same Smeagol who, come 8:30PM sharp, would start whispering in my head” like a Victorian butler who also happened to be a fiend. “Master, it’s time, you must prepare the precious!” I mean, even if I was mid-orgy with ten of my favourite porn stars, proper lineup!!! I still would’ve peeled myself away just to roll a spliff. Because as powerful as their collective grip(s) may have been, weed had the stronger overall grip on me, and that’s saying something!!

Smeagol always won.
But not this time.

Like any rational man who just discovered something powerful, I went straight to eBay and bought a sack of dusty old leaves off a stranger. More herbal tobacco. Job done. I rolled with it. Permanently. I don’t smoke rollies. I don’t want baccy. I just wanted the weed.

And then it hit me, properly hit me, that the thing dragging me back night after night for years wasn’t Mary Jane. It was nicotine. That physically addictive bastard. Sneaking into every joint, every ritual, every high. All this time I blamed the weed. Gave it lectures. Wrote blog posts about how I was addicted to it.

Nah.

It was the nicotine dressed up in a joint, like a parasite in a party hat.

SPREAD THE LOVE

Naturally, I shared this groundbreaking revelation. I told my mates.

“Lads. It’s not the weed. It’s the tobacco. I’ve figured it out. I’ve cracked it. I’ve beaten the matrix.”

They mocked me. (rightfully)

One mate tried the herbal stuff and said it tasted like foot. Not a foot. Just foot. Singular. As if he was well acquainted with what one tastes like. Which raises questions I’m still not ready to ask. The name stuck. Now we all call it Foot.

Another mate still uses it to cut his tobacco, which is something. A step. But no one really followed the gospel. The church of Foot never found its congregation.

That’s fine. I didn’t preach. I just kept going.

And now here we are. Six years after launching this whole blog to understand my weed addiction, and what do I come back with?

Tobacco is addictive.

Well done, mate. You’ve rediscovered the wheel. Reinvented fire. Congratulations. Here’s a medal and a GCSE in bloody obviousness.

But here’s the real point, buried underneath all the self mockery.

Weed is fun.
Weed is tasty.
Weed is sometimes silly, sometimes spiritual.
But it’s not heroin.

You can get addicted to anything, cheese, bread, Instagram, chaos, but it’s not the same as chemical dependency. Tobacco, that’s a hook. A real one. And it had me. For years. Pretending it was the weed.

The Americans don’t mix weed with tobacco. And I get it now. They dodged a bullet. A brown, crumbling, fifteen quid a pouch bullet.

So yeah. I didn’t quit weed. I just removed the bastard that was actually in charge.

And once he was gone?

I finally got my life back. Or at least, I got to choose when to light up.

Which, in the end, is all I ever really wanted.

When Friends & Family STEAL your WEED!

Smoneyo you went downstairs made a sandwich mulled for a bit, made your way back upstairs to your room sat down in your trusty chair, unpaused that YouTube video you were halfway through.  Everything here seems fairly normal so what’s the deal right? However, beknown to yourself things couldn’t be far from the trust.  For come the end of your once filled bag of weed and how much you’ve sold compared to how much you should have sold isn’t adding up? Now the person in this story has no clue what’s going on for they’d never believe their loved ones could steal from them let alone accuse them. However we know different not cos people are inherently bad but moreover, the title of this blog gives it away.

So what now?

This answer doesn’t need delay or elaboration for it’s simple, time to lock the hell up! Be it is safe or strong box the days of leaving your stash out in the open are very much over.   And with the additional effort of having to lock up your stash every single time you’re not in the room a least will come the peace of mind that every single microgram of cannabis is accounted for.

 

Do you confront your thieves?

Firstly you must ask yourself is there any point in doing so, for they may just flatly deny any knowledge of stealing anything which may just lead to more frustration. Now if you’re particularly of the savvy kind and are equipped with hidden Wi-Fi cameras that activate on movements and can prove that somebody has indeed been dipping your stash this footage could assist you in confronting the thief.  However do be aware that this could also be the end of your friendship, or could be the beginning of a family feud that could last for many years. To which in the end you just have to ask yourself is it worth it and as the answer be no then live with this you must and never speak a word you must not.

Do Your Parents Actually Believe That Your Marijuana is ‘Medicinal’

mom spyingSo let’s take this back to many a day when wasted. I would spend hours setting up my bedroom with fans and canned air fresher to combat the fat ass Dubey that I had rolled.  I remember leaving the room after smoking one to only come back to only realise that the entire upstairs corridor stank out! MISSION FAILED.  I didn’t have a balcony or a big ass window but tried none the less to work with the room and create an Amsterdamesk Smoke-Free CoffeeShop environment.  Things would be great, they really would and I put that down to the great weed I’d be smoking.  This was complete zen, in my place of choosing everything was perfect…. right up until my mother bursting into the room shouting obscenities at me.   Occasionally, during the summer with everybodies windows open, my smoke would go around the house and enter my sister’s bedroom.  I’ll never forget how she ended up screaming at the top of her voice outside the window at midnight “STOOP SMOKING CANNABIS!!, IT’s ILLEGAL, I’m CALLIN THE POLICE!!” Now I was high as fuck, but hearing her voice echoing around the neighbourhood her shouting at the high of lungs was kinda a buzzkill.

THEN ALONG CAME MEDICINAL MARIJUANA

On the 19 Oct 2009 in America the U.S Justice Department announced that federal prosecutors would not go after medicinal users and distributors who complied with state laws.  Back then nobody really knew what was going on, as under US Federal Law weed was still illegal even in states that legalised it hence we saw an explosion of dispensaries being stormed into my large teams of DEA.  However almost a decade later, it seems that this is actually real and I watch YouTube videos with people referring to their ganja as ‘medicine’ which is a testament to how times have changed.

When Actually Was Marijuana used as Medicine

The earliest mentions of medicinal use go back to 2900 BC Chinese Emperor Fu Hsi References Marijuana as a Popular Medicine that possessed both yin and yang. Then again 2700 BC according to Chinese legend, the emperor Shen Nung (also known as Chen Nung) who was considered the Father of Chinese medicine, discovered marijuana’s healing properties as well as those of two other mainstays of Chinese herbal medicine, ginseng and ephedra.

Do Your Parents Believe That You Use This As “MEDICINE”

Shouted

Being shouted at

As a sufferer of severe Sleep Apnea, I was diagnosed very late and despite owning a CPAP machine I’ve been unable to use the machine and benefit from it and hence my Sleep Apnea remains untreated.  I quit cannabis for about 6/7 months, only to discover that my sleep was heavily impacted.  I would wake up at random intervals throughout the night i.e 1.30am, 3.30am, 5am, 7.30am, 8.30am.  This would drive me absolutely crazy, as I was literally unable to stay under as my sleep apnea was actively waking me up.  My ENT specialist initially prescribed me many different meds, which I found to be overpowered or far to strong, and when I researched online I found that side effects of some of the pills where just not worth it.  Alas I moved back towards smoking weed and I found specific strains of cannabis to be very effective in helping me sleep, as THC was medically proven to be conducive to breathing.  However, I would find explaining this to my parents an uphill struggle.  Whilst the drug remained illegal in the UK for all purposes, my family were not convinced of its medicinal value and just called me a JUNKIE and A DRUG ADDICT.   My sister showered me with “You’re GONNA DIE, and it’s because you’re a DRUG ADDICT” and over emotional sentiments, which then weeks later I found my parents reading off the same script, which doesn’t surprise me as BITCHING about me in my family is almost a TRADITIONAL pasttime! Alas i’m on my own with my believes (shared by the entire world) but till then I draw my curtains, and get the fans ready for sadly my illiterate parents choose to deny any positive fact of its medicinal value, and my sister is just stubborn and must win & be right regardless to any cost.

HERE are the following countries have legalised cannabis for medical use as of 2018.  When the FUCK is UK gonna be on the list???

  • Argentina
  • Australia
  • Canada
  • Chile
  • Colombia
  • Croatia
  • Cyprus
  • Czech Republic
  • Denmark
  • Finland
  • France
  • Germany
  • Greece
  • Israel
  • Italy
  • Luxembourg
  • Macedonia
  • Malta
  • Mexico
  • Netherlands
  • New Zealand
  • Norway
  • Peru
  • Poland
  • Romania
  • San Marino
  • Slovenia
  • Spain
  • Sri Lanka
  • Switzerland
  • Turkey
  • Uruguay
  • Vietnam
  • Zambia
  • Zimbabwe

 

The Wonderful Story of the Disgruntled Dealer

THE ROUTINE

So often does it happen that you’ve been picking up your weed from the same guy from years and years.  It’s almost a routine, you go in, take a seat, talk about what’s been going on, even sometimes express your deepest and darkest secrets to this man as after all he’s not connected to anybody – it’s almost as good confession, right? After all, you surely can’t be judged badly in the eye of a full-time drug dealer right?  So yeah life is good, his weed is generally pretty good and so what’s there to complain about it.  He makes you a cup of tea and tells you where he picks up his stuff from. “Does he TRUST ME?” you wonder to yourself. He leaves the room, with an open bag of weed, to which you approximate the quantity quietly to yourself.  “He MUST TRUST ME!!! There must be at least 2 Pounds of weed he’s left with me unattended – I COULD STEAL IT ALL, LEAVE THE COUNTRY, CHANGE MY NAME, Own in FARM IN AFRICA!!!” He then returns back with your cup of tea and proceeds to roll a joint.  This is what they call “the ol leave the bag of weed in the room” trick, standard procedure which has been passed down to dealers from generation to generation.

ON SALE : MAGIC WEED GROWN BY ELVES OF MORDOR

So once comfortable with your dealer and he with you, let’s talk business son! “Have a look at this stuff” he hands you a massive bud from his sack. This is your cue to look at the weed in the light and return back glorious compliments of how wonderful and crystaly and amazing this stuff is.  You’re the best!! Sir, How much for this FANTASY weed that you possess.  “It’s pretty hi-grade stuff, it’s a little bit more expensive that than the usual” At this point, you wonder “didn’t you have this same sack here last week” Alas, you stop wondering and reconnect with his speaking again, and reply as if you were listening the whole time.  In which among his blurb was a price, of how much the damage will be for this WEED that has been grown by the Elves of Mordor.  More expensive? but only by $10 you think,… fine! As you’ve travelled so far anyway to get here, seems pointless to care for a ten.  HOld on? wasn’t it a ten more last week and the week before that?? In fact, what was once $340 an Ounces is now $490 cos apparently this new shit is “REALLY GOOD and apparently worth the amount…Grown by Elves remember!?!?!”  You start to ponder on this and you wonder if you really can leave this house without buying anything?

Almost like the stock the exchange, the price of this FANTASTIC MYSTICAL AND MAGICAL WEED keeps going up and up every bloody week.

AND JUST LIKE THAT, IT ALL DOES DARK!

Quite literally, one day you decide!! “I’ve had it! I will no longer be a slave to you pressure me selling weed, which in fairness was always good but not quite MORDOR level one thinks.  WELCOME the Dark Markets from the DEEP WEB….HELLOOOOO!!! So one decides through a friend who happens to be adept with the deep web and knowledgeable in this area to get some stuff in, can’t hurt for a change.  To begin with, it is dark very dark until you open the PACKAGE, and exposed are the beautiful buds of weed were the light bounces off the crystals blinding you and everyone else in the room.  This experience is life changing and affects the core of how you see life – can you ever go back to the way it was?

SO WHAT DOES YOUR EX-DEALER THINK ABOUT THIS?

NOT HAPPY? – NO SHIT SHERLOCK… HELL NO, he ain’t fucking happy about this! He broke the 2nd law of business which was ‘DO NOT BE GREEDY’.  Those who flease, and extort may receive larger than usual payouts, however, that also could be the last payout.  It’s unfortunate, but it’s simply a no-brainer, buying online allows you the ability to shop about, and choice weed at prices that suite you and assuming you’ve found a good vendor you can buy some absolutely insanely good weed.  Now your ex-dealer lets it slide the first week, and perhaps even the second, but wait you’ll get a phone call asking you to come over as he’s got “some cheaper weed to sell if you’re interested”.  You attended as requested, and on entering you realise clearly, it’s the same stuff as before as I mean let’s be honest, that 2-pound bag of weed isn’t disappearing overnight.  Let’s give the guy of a break, he’s lost some big business here and some could argue it’s not his fault, others could say it was his fault as his continual racking up the prices i.e his greed led his customers to explore the potential of looking elsewhere. On doing they found better and bright deals, which actually suited them more in every way. So sure, Mr EX DEALER will be really annoyed at you, and he won’t be shy to show it.

CONCLUSION

It’s like anything in life when a window glazing guy appears to your door, or an electrician claiming you need all your house wiring changed else FIRE!!! It’s usually crap, and if you look around you can find a better deal.  Alas, the moral of our story here today was that greed forced our dealer’s customers to explore the possibility of looking elsewhere for their gear and what they found was just better in every single way times ten.  The dealer or EX-dealer as we’ve referred to him here really has to suck eggs on this one, and truly has himself to blame ultimately.

For what would he do be the situations reversed, where he could buy a much superior product at a lot cheaper price, from what you’re selling? No brainer? EXACTLY.

CLEAN – 2 Months 6 Days 15 Hours and 54 minutes later … and counting

world_record_medalSo sure I’ve been clean before but never this long!! This must be some personal record and definitely feels like one as I’ve experienced truly new things on this trip. So back to the old question do I miss smoking weed? Occasionally yes I do- I won’t lie there are times when for that I’m feeling smoking A FATTY usually is the perfect remedy and the right fix. That said unfortunately I went there and got the T-SHIRT and crossed over into the addict zone and by doing so crossed myself off the casual user list permanently.  The funny thing is I still don’t know how to roll a joint properly, unlike so many of my fellow smokers, each joint I think subconsciously I role in a different way on purpose.

Being sober now what came back?

backFirstly and for mostly let’s just go there I have my brain back and seeing my mental horse power return has really felt just fucking AWESOME!  My memory recall is accurately on point, where I can CONFIDENTLY remember I left my keys I can easily recall dates to have any numbers such as times and the thing that most stands out are numbers/details aren’t blurry in my mind anymore – I believe many describe this as brain fog. I’m a lot more active now that I was before as for the obvious reason I am not constantly using a sedative in the high-volume every single evening. I.e. I wake up much easier in the morning almost like a PC start-up time if you wanna call it is much like Linux running on the SSD(Computer science joke apologies).

The myths

dreamingMy mind isn’t as any less creative than it was before, if anything being high all the time was mearly my way of putting my brain into creative mode but just being stuck there and I’ll ultimately be unable to exit that mode and actually action any of the ideas that I had conceived.  I walked closer and closer to the world of being a dreamer.  Unfortunately my appetite is not as bad as it was before as back in the old days even though I was full to the brim being a high meant that I was able to continuously eat into the early hours of the morning this is not the case.

My society?

The last 10 to 15 years of my social activities have been based around weed smoking with smokers so my decision to quit ultimately was always going to have an impact on people around me.  The first couple of weeks I isolated myself and didn’t attend usual friend sessions in the fear that I may break. However a month later I am more than happy to be around all my friends while they’re all smoking weed in ample amounts and not divulge in the activity myself. Sure while I’m there I smoke a tiny rolly of tobacco as a substitute however truth be told I never liked tobacco or cigarettes really hence the fear of becoming an addict of being a cigarette smoker was never really on the cards for these reasons.  My social society adjusted to this change pretty quick and painless.  I’ve been such a prolific and long term smoker I was worried that this may have been more of an issue here however none of these things were the case.  To all my friends that wanna quit but can’t quit for they’re stuck in the same loop I was I  hope the one day that they can find something strong enough to hold onto to allow them to let go of the stuff, because God knows it took me almost all of my adult life to do so.

Conclusion

So it’s been two months and 10 days and blah blah blah whatever the title says and I guess I’ve saved two things or three depending on how you wanna look at it.

Firstly –  money. I was spending a fixed amount every week to purchase drugs, which I no longer do. I calculate that I have saved somewhere near ÂŁ300-400 on just buying weed alone and that’s not including tobacco cost which would take the total the up higher.

Secondly – time.  As soon as I would get high likelihood of being productive would drop to somewhere between 5 to 10% as I would be blissful sedated and extremely docile. Once in that state I couldn’t be bothered to do anything and I would much rather sit and dream about things I was going to do however the sad reality would be that hardly any of those things that I would dream would actually come to fruition.

Thirdly – my life. Like I said this one is subjective and more or less a combination of the other elements. It seems too important just to not discuss this regardless as ever since quitting and going clean my productivity has shot up somewhere near the 60 to 70% mark and changes are happening right in front of my eyes with little to no effort. It seems apparent now that weed was my jailer for very many years!!! A jail where I voluntarily opted to stay in . As a musician I just dreamt of new concepts and never implemented them.  As a human being my goals in life and objective as the days went on turned more and more into a pipe dreams and as time went on I lose faith in the reality of it all.

Do I miss smoking weed? The feelings of being high is amazing and undisputedly beautiful and for this reasons we choose to stay in this jail cos it’s nice and peaceful there, trouble free… What weed give you is truly magnificent, however what it slowly siphons away from you is your life in return.

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Deploying COLD TURKEY commencing, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

COLD TURKEYHello again, haven’t we met before. My name is COLD TURKEY, and yes we’ve definitely met before.

Yes that’s right, I’m the guy that wrote a blog called HOW I QUIT WEED and wrote a few articles on actually doing this but then wrote many many more articles on why smoking weed was the shit!  So few friends laughed with me, the others (behind my back) laughed at me and now things aren’t going so well.  SO …. Mr.COLD TURKEY IS IT!

WHY THIS DRASTIC Discison, Ease Into It Right??

I ask you this question sincerely and dearly… Did “easing into it” ever work for you? i.e cutting down the amount you smoke slowly till you’ve quit.  Like did that ever work anyone??? On paper the concept seems perfect and the most logical way of going about doing this, but in practicality and in reality, it’s BULLSHIT and doesn’t work at all.  You’ll shout at me here, saying “oh no, in your personal experience you mean” or like those DICKHEADS on twitter who all tweeted at me saying “BOI YOU AINT GOT NO BALLS (DISCIPLINE)” I told them TO SHUT THE FUCK UP and WAKE UP, cos they’re IN DENIAL.  They aint stopped smoking weed one single day in their lives, however they just pretend they can when they want to and preach the rest of the time and I really haven’t got time for those fools.

Cold Turkey Is Less Painful In The Long Run

Lets break this down, whether you’ve been smoking everyday leading up till your “LAST” smoke or just had a few doesn’t make any difference for the minute you are intoxicated, your system has weed it in and there will be absorbed traces in your fat lining / blood for the next 30 days.  Hence is makes it no easier to give up the herb, however you run up to the event and ultimately three quarters of this entire battle lies in your mind anyway.  I used this EXCUSE of a method many times in my life and I personally blame this approach for so many of my failed attempted and just general time wasted.  I should have just been more logical / direct about things i.e I want to stop smoking for a while OUTCOME DECISION : I won’t smoke tomorrow or the day after tomorrow and the day after that.

The Problem with Smoking Around the Clock?

You and your smoking buddies been chilling for years now, man you probably can’t even remember a different time to how it’s always been.  So it started out a great thing to do, you really enjoyed yourself it was cool, you would hang with the guys and do your thing, nothing was wrong with this picture –  right?  You all had your good times, but then I dunno maybe it took five years, or ten or even fifteen years but you soon realised (as did everybody else) that “Damn I SMOKE too much shit!”, and that “This shit is making me too chilled out!!” and perhaps even “..I could do with feeling some of the pain, and worries of life cos I’m too lax right now, like I ain’t got a worry in the world” Now here lies a problem, for maybe what we’re told about Worrying and Anxiety is counterproductive. i.e it’s BADD and you shouldn’t do it, cos it’s BADDD okay! For maybe when we worry and get anxious about stuff there’s a reason behind it, and sometimes perhaps a really good reason for it – some could say it’s your bodies way of telling you “DUDE, Don’t you think you better do something about that thing”.  It almost works like a warning light in your car’s dashboard when you’re running low on gas, or your water tank need refilling.  Now you wouldn’t find a mechanic telling you to “TURN ALL THOSE LIGHTS OFF MAN, JUST ENJOY THE RIDE!!” for that would be suicide right, and without worry and anxiety you’re doing the same thing and is also suicide.

Obviously this isn’t true for everybody AT ALL but for some deep inside their conscience they know smoking around the clock is really just a way to cover up what’s wrong with their lives, and this doesn’t just apply to weed it is a general sign which should be looked out for in context over abuse of any substance.

Friends Who WONT Let You Out Of The Circle

friends

So then there’s your crew which for some it is still the collective mind, and even if the days of everybody getting together and getting high as fuck are well over their influence is still always there.  Don’t be surprised if your crew find very good arguments for you to continue smoking as you were, everything is fine, don’t worry.  This isn’t necessarily cos everybody is evil and out to get you but could be for even simple reasons like how when a relative goes to hospital, people tell you “don’t worry everything will be fine!!” obviously they aren’t doctors, they’re just telling us this to make us feel better.  Of course that said  then there are the few, who actually may have mal-intentions when they hear of you quitting the herb.

MALICOUS INTENTIONS, WHY?

We’ve all been there and I don’t think it’s right to sit here and judge anyone on this but ultimately there will always be those who will greet the news of you quitting negatively, which may seem odd as to why they would even care what you’re doing – however there are many reasons as to why this may be the case.  Most certainly if you’ve had these friends for a while, it’s quite likely they’ll be somewhat similar to you in someways and may have similar issues, and problems that they’re also using weed (or other substances) to run away from.   Point being that the news of you “leaving the ship” may bring attention and extra highlight their own issues resulting in them giving you counter advice such as “Nah man, there’s no point in quitting weed – the problems are elsewhere mate” or the one I had was “go abroad, and quit there cos that’s the only real way it’ll ever happen, no point even TRYING HERE!! don’t do it.”

 HOW YOU DEAL WITH THEM?

People will be people, and you have to let them be as they choose to be, as if news of you quitting the herb affects them then you’ve no choice but to either continue as you were and ignore them, or cut them out till you feel ready to be able to socialise around other cannabis smokers without the neccesity to cave in.

SO TO CONCLUDE

Rediscovering your long lost discipline can be an ore awaking experience and can completely change your life.  It’s very commonly seen that conquering a fear can lead to a domino effect of other phobias being also conquered using the same power and momentum.  Nobody should blaming weed for the problems in their life, and we should always look at ourselves and tackle substance abuse properly as soon as it becomes an relevant issue.  If it was so that you had the power to change yourself for the worse then logic concludes that you also have the power and the means to change yourself for the betterment of you and others around you.  So I encourage you to embrace that inner strength and focused positivity and let it lead you to a place of happiness, where at this place even if you choice to smoke like a pipe – NOBODY WILL BE ABLE TO SPEAK BADLY OF YOU,

 

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If You Ran Out Would Your Friends Really Be there?

PHONE ANGERYou’ve got enough left for one dube, shall you smoke it? OH GO ON – GET HIGH you deserve it you’ve been good. So you smoke it, it’s okay you can get some more tomorrow from the usual guy at the usual place.  Alas arrives tomorrow and you text the usual guy and get ready to go the usual place but he takes his time to reply and as you know from experience this happens – so you remain ready.  However, when he does reply the news it’s not quite what you expected “HE OUT”.  Now this message is meant to be a police safe SMS, i.e. “I’m IN” meaning I got shitloads to sell as opposed to “I’m OUT” meaning very quite the opposite as the sentence suggests anyway.  As you start to think about implications the choice to smoke or not has now been removed and as the reality sinks in and you’re left wanting it even more and more, so what to do.  Time for the DUBEY TEST!

THE DUBEY TEST

Have you ever wondered how many people would actually be there to help if you couldn’t score some weed.  Well today you could find out, by trying out the dubey test.

  1. Find 3 to 4 people you smoke with most often with.  Preferably people you have seen in the last 14 days.
  2. Text them explaining that you’ve run out and that you’re looking to smoke a joint with them if possible.
  3. Count your replies.

RESULTS

THE LOVED

the lovedThese results can be interpreted into one of many ways to mean one of many different things.  It could be that all 3 / 4 people respond immediately saying “COME OVER RIGHT NOW, In fact I’ve sent an UBER round to come get you so save you the effort of driving” In which case you have the nicest friends in the world and you should remain happy that they hold you such high esteem, one day you’ll have to make the difficult choice of making one of these great men your best man or woman.  LUCKY YOU as you sit there in somebody’s flat smoking copious amounts of somebody’s else weed and for a moment you feel like a kid in a candy store.

THE MEDIUM

So out went that group text and the people who you knew wouldn’t reply, didn’t, as expected, but however you hold out on some of the people as you never know what could happen – You’re still open to being surprised.  Now, as expected you ones whom you didn’t expect a reply don’t and outta of the remaining you get one positive response – HURRAY!! You’re perhaps not loved but nor do you feel hated either, as there’s somebody out there who cares enough to be your beam of shining light.  You go to bed singing their name, and their praise and one day when they try the dube Test on you – be sure to greet them with balloons and cake.

THE NO REPLY

theloneNow we come to you, unfortunately yes this happened where you waited eagerly staring at your phone.  Made sure the ringer was on, incase you missed their call or text and you checked the ringer further again twice more… it definitely was on.   An hour went by and still nothing and now it was no longer about smoking weed with anyone but your pride and ego is under threat.  Does nobody care?? REALLY?? the reality sinks once more – this was massive, you know they’ve all recieved and read the message and rather than replying being honest they’ve opted to concoct a story the following day.  You go to bed feeling nothing but bitterness and spite towards these people for one day they’ll ask you for something and that day you’ll remember this one!!! and like that you cry yourself to sleep…..zZZZ

THE FOLLOWING DAY

Come the afternoon, strangely around the same time comes flooding in 2 of 4 cretans whom ignored your cry of help and now wish to EXPLAIN.

“SORRY JUST SAW THIS! I’M OFF TO THE SHOPPING MALL LATER YOU WANNA GO?”

[Translation] : I completely ignored your cry for help, and don’t really wanna talk about it – CHANGE SUBJECT – CHANGE SUBJECT – CHANGE SUBJECT

“Soz just saw this , you still wanna smoke?”

[Translation] : I also completely ignored your cry for help and don’t really wanna talk about it but I’m gonna offer you a smoke knowing most likely you’ve probably picked up but I’m gonna still try and be your saviour.

THE TRUTH

Let’s be honest with ourselves when we analyse the meanings and results of the dubey test.  Firstly if you’re fast asleep and one of your junkie friends texts you asking for a hit you’d be probably just go back to sleep right? ME too, so that’s forgivable in ways if you reserve the shoe.

Time of text is a crucial variable? 

I think it’s appreciated that sending out emergency texts thirteenth hour could test any solid friendship.  Certainly a valid argument however alas this article is sadly a true story.  Why? sadly I hear you ponder (or not, but i’ll tell you anyway) Well my results weren’t terrible fortunately for I wasn’t in the “no friends” band.  Out of my 3 peeps in the test  I got one positive response which was slightly unfair conditions as my forth person whom has always replies 99.9% positively was also in this case my “dealer”.  While one of the individuals in my list I texted for more comedic reasons than actual hope, for I’d have my doubts that they would come even if I was on fire!

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